The Worse Sermon I Ever Heard

8/8/10 - The Lord's Day. Greetings y'all. This morning, after community singing, I had to run to Santa Anna to get some ice and gas for the generator. I took Robert with me and we decided to listen to a Sunday sermon on the way. Now, I haven't listened to a sermon in many, many years. I read sermons all the time. I deliver sermons on rare occasions. I am constantly reading sermons of the Puritans, Reformers, and other spiritual giants, but I haven't actually listened to a modern day sermon in a great while. I've visited at a few churches in the past 7 or 8 years and I always left thinking that the preaching was shallow, ignorant, unlearned, and mostly a waste of time - of course I am comparing the sermons with real Christian sermons delivered by truly diligent Christian servants throughout history. Anyway, Robert and I tuned into a local Coleman radio station and we caught a sermon given by the Seventh Day Adventist preacher in Santa Anna (Yes, I appreciate the irony that a SDA preacher is having to deliver his sermons via radio on Sunday). The preacher was named Pastor Jerry Chastain. Maybe you all listen to sermons today, and maybe you are shocked that I am shocked at how poor they are. I don't know, maybe you like to listen to them? Who knows? This sermon, however, was quite possibly the worse sermon ever in the history of the world. Sure, I exaggerate, but not by much. As a way to vent my frustration and sadness, I share it here with you.

First, the background. This guy either weighs 300 lbs., or he is in horrible physical condition, because he wheezed through his nose and was out of breath the whole time. He also mispronounced words, the worst being "stewart" (for steward). He said "stewardship" correctly, but whenever he meant "steward" he said "stewart" (my apologies to my friend Stewart, who is a good steward).

Intro: IF YOU HAVE YOUR BIBLES, turn with me to Chapter 16 of Luke. He then reads the story of the unjust stewart who wasted his master's goods. He explains what a "stewart" is (apparently he is like the CEO of a corporation), and what the responsibilities of a stewart are. He then tells us how this stewart was cheating his master. Pastor Chastain then explains that when the master comes back, he is very unhappy to learn that people are saying bad things about his stewart. "If these things are true", he says to the stewart, "you will be fired". The stewart is ordered to bring in all the accountants and the books, but instead he goes and "stabs the master in the back one more time" by telling everyone who owes the master money, to change the bill so they will be obligated to the unjust stewart. He did this because he only minded earthly things and had failed to "plan ahead" while he was still in the good graces of the master. He wants the people to receive him into their houses when he is fired as stewart. He was a jerk and a cheater, but now, seeing he would be fired, he was planning ahead and doing his best to provide for himself.

When the master finds out what is going on, he compliments the stewart for planning for his future. This, according to Pastor Chastain, is the moral of the story, and it is a good thing. It has to be good, or why would the master compliment him? The master found nothing praiseworthy about the stewart except that he had finally planned for the future. Of course, the stewart is fired, which shows how wise the unjust stewart had been.

Now, Pastor Chastain completely neglects the actual theme and moral of the story. He rejects the context of the verses which was a condemnation of the Pharisees and the leaders of the Jews for their unjust stewardship of the Lord's heritage and people (His goods). He completely misses the fact that the "compliment" the master pays the steward is actually a sarcastic slam on the fact that SINCE HE WAS GOING TO HELL, he was wise to make himself comfortable in this world, since he would be in eternal torment in the next world. Pastor Chastain blows off all the true lessons of this story, and actually begins to teach that the one good thing the "stewart" did, was plan for the future, which was the moral of the story. You see (according to Pastor Chastain) Jesus is saying that we SHOULD use our unrighteous mammon to make friends of this world. What Jesus means is that we should make friends of non-Christians and of the wicked so that maybe, someday, we can give them spiritual truth, and when they go to heaven, they will receive us into everlasting habitations! According to Chastain we SHOULD do the one thing the unjust stewart was commended for. That is what Jesus is saying. Take the master's goods (those things God has given you) and spend some of it on becoming friends with worldlings. That way they can be saved someday and they will receive us into heaven.

Pithy anecdote #1 (A "pithy anecdote" in this case is a lie. It is a made-up story that perfectly and conveniently fits the "moral". Jesus used a parable to tell the story, so in order to make the story even MORE clear for idiots or for the seriously impaired, you are to take the parable, and further parablize it with a more modern made up story): There was a man who found out he had 1000 days to live, so he went and bought 1000 marbles and put them in a jar. Every day, he took out a marble to remind himself to be a good friend to Jesus and to use his time wisely. How good is it to know how much time we have left so we can plan ahead and use the time well! After he ran out of marbles, he realized that every day after that was a gift! The moral? Make plans to make good use of the master's gifts while you still have all your marbles (Pastor laughs wheezingly at his own joke).

Pithy anecdote #2: A rich ship owner is asked for a donation by a Christian missionary. He is very wealthy, and owns ships laden with riches traveling all over the world. He writes a check for $250 in modern money. Just as he is about to give the check to the missionary, he receives a letter that he reads immediately. It is a message alerting him that one of his ships has sunk. The lost ship had been loaded with riches. The man tells the missionary, "wait a minute, I have to re-write the check". He gives the check to the missionary who says, "This has to be an error". The man says, "No, it is correct". You see, the check was for 6 TIMES (!!!) what he had originally planned to give. The missionary says, "this is a lot of money!". The man says, "Well you see, that letter was from God, it said, 'lay up your treasure in heaven'".

Pithy anecdote #3: A man is about to die, so he writes a letter to his family. In it he totals up the number of cigars he has smoked in his life (60,000 or so), of which he only paid for about 20%, which still adds up to a tidy sum of money (we are told the dollar amount). He had imbibed some many thousands of beers (he names the exact number) and also many thousands of other strong alcoholic beverages. He totals up the many thousands of dollars he had spent on these obviously wicked and evil pleasures. At the end of the letter, this lost man is uncharacteristically honest... he says, "I experienced everything, I enjoyed much, but I accomplished nothing." The moral of this pithy anecdote? Your body is a temple (another horrible, twisted interpretation of scripture, which, I am sure, is the thesis of another horrible sermon by Pastor Chastain), and you shouldn't spend your master's goods messing up your temple, unless it is by means of the potluck supper at the "church" every Saturday after really enlightening sermons like this one, because that is different.

And now it came time for Pithy Anecdote #4 (this one is called 'personal pithy anecdote' and calls for a story, just as fake, but more personal so that the audience knows that the Pastor is a real person and knows what of he speaks): This story is about Pastor Chastain and how he worked in construction for a little while. While he was working in construction, the "boss" called him "lightning". After a long while (because who would question being called "lightning" immediately?), Pastor Chastain asked his boss "why do you call me lightning?" The boss replied, "Because I have seen you use a hammer, and you never hit the same place twice". (badumpump). The moral of the Personal Pithy Anecdote is that God gives everyone talents, some more than others. Whatever talent you have (and Pastor Chastain would have you know that swinging a hammer was NOT his talent - and I have to wonder what exactly is) it is a gift from God, and you are a "stewart" over that talent, and whatever money you make from that talent belongs to God. You should spend it helping people, and supporting the ministry, and being a friend to Jesus, and did I say "supporting the ministry?" If you don't, then you are wasting God's goods, which, by the way, is only acceptable if you are doing it to become friends with the world so you can save them and then they can receive you into heaven. By the way, anything you ever do to any other person, you do to Jesus... so STOP IT! (And by the way, with the number of new babies running around the church, some of you married men have been doing some pretty naughty things with Jesus).

After an hour of this, the sermon closed with an exhortation to get to know how you stand with Jesus.

Herein ends the worse sermon I ever heard.

Now, in all seriousness, I am saddened and horrified that this nonsense is what passes for Christianity today in one of the most conservative areas of the country. I don't know if this guy went to seminary, but if he did, that seminary should be burned to the ground. I know you all know that I talk often about how dark it is out there, and how bereft we as a people are of true and spiritual Christian teaching. But I had no idea it was this bad. I mourn for this people.

As a service to those of you who made your way through this rant, I have included a link to a real sermon, preached at a time when men who were called "preachers" have had some prior contact with the God of Creation, and worked hard to educate themselves and to be used of the Holy Spirit in a manner pleasing to a Righteous God:

Sinners in the Hands of an Angry God

At the risk of seeming immodest in attaching my own sermon to one so renowned and famous, I also attach a sermon which was part 1 of a series I did entitled "What is the Gospel". I enclose this sermon because in it there is a good "framework" or outline for what a Gospel sermon ought to include:

The Righteousness of God Revealed

I appreciate your patience, and I pray that God has mercy on those to whom He intends mercy.

Your servant in Christ Jesus,

Michael Bunker